The One-Footed Animal
Him and His cousin, three and a half years old, stand at the patio doors of Her parents house. I’m sitting on the couch and Her mom is in the kitchen. The two kids are staring at something outside. His Cousin: Gram. What animal has only one foot? Her Mom: One foot? Him: Yeah. One leg. Look at that track. (Her mom stares outside) Me: Lowly Worm has one foot (Him and His cousin pause to consider this.) Her Mom: Oh, I think that was probably a bunny. Their feet– His Cousin: No. They have four feet. Maybe it was [...]
Pre-Marriage Divorce Cooking
Her: How many shells did you put in? Not the exact amount, right? Me: No . . . I put extra. Her: How many ounces of cream cheese? Me: Four. Her: I’m using six. Oh! The noodles! Me: It’s okay, I just checked them. Her: Well, they’re done. Me: Okay, I’ll drain them. Her: Good thing I preheated the oven . . . here’s the baker . . . what are you doing! Me: You said the baker was ready!? I’m going to stuff the shells! Her: But it has oil in it, the noodles will get slippery! Me: But [...]
Parents are Fallible: The Ball
Him: Check out this ball I got. There’s spiders in it! Me: Very cool. Him: It said it can bounce 75 feet! Wow! Me: Really!? (doubt it) Let me see it (bounce, bounce, bounce) Her: But we don’t bounce it in the house, right? Only roll it? Him: Right. Me: I’m going to bounce it, though, just to see how easy it bounces, because adults have more control over things like this . . . I should have known the universe was watching when I said that. But that’s the thing about being a parent. You have this innate sense [...]
A Discussion on Pub Chips
Her: Did you see these Nachos? (Holding menu at an awkward angle) Me: I know. They sound amazing! Her: They’re made using pub chips. Nachos with fries! Me: Really? Woah! Her: I know. Let’s get those. Me: (Hmm, wine and nacos. Fry nachos) Sounds great. Waitress: (hair flip) Have you decided what you’d like to order? Her: Yes, we’d like an order of the nachos. Those are made with the pub chips right? Fries? Waitress: (hair flip) No, they’re made with chips. (We brefly exchange confused stares) Her: Yeah, pub chips, like the fries (THAT ARE RIGHT ABOVE THE NACHOS [...]
Last Minute Impossibility
(30 minutes before bedtime last night) Him: We have to dress up as our favorite time tomorrow. Her: Your what? Him: You know, like how people used to dress? A long time ago? Me: Huh? Her: Is there a note in your backpack about it? Him: Yeah (Backpack scrounging reveals a PTO request, which We missed while He was out sick, for kids to “dress up in their favorite decade attire.” Despite the information, We were (and continue to be) very confused as to how this was even possible. Mainly because I forgot to save the Reebok Pumps I wore [...]
The Park Dilemma
Him: Can we go to the park? Me: No, we have to go to Trader Joe’s Him: (deep sigh of irritation) Him: Can we please go to the park! Us: No . . . Her: You’ve been all over today, and you’ve had a lot of fun, and now it’s time to get groceries. Him: (another sign, mixed with a grunt) Minutes pass and so does a park. Him: Oh, look at all the kids at the park! That looks like fun . . . You know what kid isn’t at the park? Me! Minutes pass again as We try [...]