Resolutions Suck! And Other Ways of Handling Failure
It’s a new year and I’m still the same mainly pessimistic, always sarcastic, moderately overweight, Me. And I’m not planning on changing that. I was actually hoping that something would just change. Suddenly. But it didn’t. Juts like it never does. So every year I come up with some grand scheme to slim down. To exercise. To build muscle, get a fake tan, and walk around shirtless with a rippling six-pack before hopping in My ’88 LeBaron convertible.
That’s never how it works out. I’m still just the slightly overweight guy climbing into a ’99 Prism with food in one hand and My crumpled resolution in the other.
I can never keep them. No matter what the goal, I fail. Miserably. And I always justify the failure, thinking that NEXT year will be the year. And I don’t know who or what to blame. It can’t be Me alone, because thousands of people fail the same as Me. It’s frustrating to know that I committed Myself to writing 50,000 words in 30 days last November and, despite school, work, family, and general life tasks, I succeeded. But lose a few pounds? Not a chance. But it’s not just Me. It can’t be.
People at zero see Task A as having the potential to elevate their overall life status or happiness to zero plus some, leaving them in a better state than before. Yet, when that same person is starting at zero minus some (meaning plus a pack of cigarettes, plus 20 pounds, plus a shitty attitude, or plus some other attribute that they feel is a negative), and they KNOW that task A has the potential to bring them back to zero, or even zero plus some for a change, they can’t do it.
So what I want to know is why can we drive ourselves to accomplish something that we see as having a potentially positive affect on our life while simultaneously being unable to stop ourselves from being brought down by the negative things that we are already doing (or not doing)? I asked this question in response to this post and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Because I can’t figure it out.
It’s sick. And it sucks. And resolutions suck because they set Me up for failure. So I don’t make them anymore. That’s how I work around it. I avoid it. I don’t set a goal so there’s nothing unattainable. Problem solved. I’m fat and goalless. But I don’t know what’s worse: fail again or set no goal to be any better. I could make some general purpose resolution to “live life to it’s fullest” or “be more positive,” but those do shit for Me. They aren’t measurable. I need something concrete. Something quantifiable.
I’m male. I need something I can see and touch. Shiny is a plus.
Really what I do is publicly announce that I have no resolution. Nothing. Not a single one. But I do and I keep it to Myself. Loose 25 pounds by June. A modest goal. We live by a bike path. I’ll eat less. Eat smarter. Then I fail and I’m the only one who knows. I’m the only one who cares. And then, when I’m elbow deep in a bag of the best kettle chips known to man, I think to Myself NEXT year it is. Yeah, next year.
I’m thinking this year may be just like all the other years that year. You know, last year’s next year. And I’m thinking that perhaps public humiliation will be My best motivation. Then I can’t help but think that nothing is going to be any different. This year will just become next year’s last year. But I can guarantee you that if I set My sights on eating one Bic Mac a day, I’d do it. Positive affect = immediate processed-food bliss.
So help Me figure this out. Why can’t I do it? Why can’t so many people succeed at their resolutions? Or, to just re-ask it, why can we drive ourselves to accomplish something that we see as having a potentially positive affect on our life while simultaneously being unable to stop ourselves from being brought down by the negative things that we are already doing (or not doing)?
Author: Me
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6 Comments
First of all, great post! I’m always looking for a philosophical outlet. Thanks for creating an opportunity here.
I think there is a trick to attaining goals, and I think a lot of it has to do with accountability. Most people tell themselves, “this is what I’m going to do…”, and it may work for while but then it dwindles away. The problem is that it’s just ‘you’ and ‘your goal’, and unless the “force is strong with you”, 80% of us will more than likely fail. Why? Because there is no accountability. For some reason, our own health, well being, and overall happiness isn’t enough to motivate us to live better. It’s a paradox, but oddly true.
You said at this point public humiliation may be your best motivation. And I agree that it would most undoubtably work. Do you know why? Because there is an oppressive amount of accountability in that humiliation. It this case, everyone knows that you are a piece of shit, and so you are motivated to attain a more likable image. This is a very unhealthy accountability, but effective none the less.
One solution. Find a positive accountability. Someone you trust, look up to, and respect. Essentially, someone you would be ashamed to let down. Confide in them your resolution, and check in with them on a regular basis, and more importantly have them check in on you. We are interdependent creatures and we rarely succeed at doing things solely on our own. Attaining personal goals are no different.
Another solution—and perhaps a more difficult concept to grasp—is the reevaluation of our concept of ‘self’.
Since birth we have been cultivating an image of who we are. I call it the ‘I’. In reality the ‘I’ is only a mental construct, and we project it physically for others to see. We do this in the way we act, how we talk, what we wear, who we socialize with, our political and religious affiliations, our sexual orientations, even the ideas that we choose to share. We believe in the ‘I’ so much that we demand it’s approval by others. And depending on whether or not we get that approval determines how we will form our relationships.
With this in mind it is no wonder why we need the accountability of others to attain personal goals. The ‘I’ demands approval, and when there isn’t anyone around to approve of the ‘I’—the ‘I’ becomes overpowered by the ‘Me’—and the ‘Me’ is who you are when no one else is looking. You can evade it if you want to, but we all know that we become completely different people when no one else is around. The ‘Me’ is more primal than the ‘I’ and holds accountability to know one. It’s a private and secret creature that makes it’s own rules. It’s primitive and lusts through our physical senses. When you set a goal and keep it to yourself the ‘I’ will be in constant struggle with the ‘Me’. The ‘I’ sets the goal to attain a better state of approval, but when it has no accountability, the ‘Me’ will tear the goal down. The reason why you feel disappointed is because you know that the ‘I’ just lost another battle to the ‘Me’. This is why setting a ‘Me’ goal, like eating one Big Mac a day, seems so easily attainable. When the ‘I’ has the accountability of another ‘I’ it becomes motivated. Since the ‘I’ is dependent upon others, the more accountability you have, the stronger the ‘I’ and the weaker the ‘Me’. Since the ‘Me’ is a private creature it will quite literally retreat in the light of abundant accountability. Problem solved, resolution resolved!
In my opinion our true selves are not the ‘I’ or the ‘Me’ since they are both mental constructs. We created them. Think about it. On the day you were born you where ‘you’. Before you had the ability to mold your own identity. If we can somehow tap back into the nature of that, we could probably solve the issue of goal resolution, in fact, perhaps abolish all human conflict in general.
I also have thoughts on how our perception of time effects the ‘Me’ and the ‘I’, but perhaps I’ll save that for another day.
Thanks for letting me ramble. I hope there is a bit of information in there that makes sense or could be of any use.
Christian Jackson
1/5/2011
I am right there with you in the stuckness so I have no encouragement to offer you other than I will fly to Chicago and punch you in the nuts if you don’t get moving and lose some damn weight!
Portland Dad
1/6/2011
@PortlandDad Wow, promise of a violent visit from Portland. Now that’s encouragement.
Me
1/8/2011
@Christian Awesome response! Thanks for taking the time to put some serious thought into this. I’ll take this as your commitment to be my positive accountability.
Me
1/8/2011
I would punch you in the nuts too, but you would have to come to Seattle. I am no better than you and am even too lazy to travel there to do it.
I agree that Christian’s response was an awesome one. Makes a heck of a lot of sense. Perhaps you, James, and I could hold each other accountable.
Seattledad
1/9/2011
@Seattledad That’s not a bad idea. And, as a compromise, we could all meet in the middle to set each other straight when needed. Somewhere like South Dakota.
Because nothing screams fun like South Dakota.
Me
1/10/2011